Guys...The Clock is Ticking Reminder!!
Greetings to all,
As Christmas and 2017 hurdles toward us at the speed of light, we at Thread Bear Fabrics would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.
This is just a friendly reminder, before Santa arrives, of Holiday hours and such.
Christmas Eve Saturday 12/24 Close 2 PM
Christmas Sunday 12/25 Closed Monday 12/26 Closed
New Year’s Eve Saturday 12/31 Close 2 PM
New Year’s Day Sunday 1/1/2017 Closed Monday 1/2/2017 Closed
Yeah – this is the one targeted at guys. Although, as Janet says this is “not couth”,I hope it provides an avenue into the male skull and helps you get the fabric you desire.
Over the years much has been written on understanding shopping habits – especially male shopping habits. Although, purportedly "scientific studies” are numerous, and while some are quite adapt at identifying trends; but as to explaining “why?”, I fear most are little more than fiction.
Here are a few identifiable trends, possible explanations, and a singular solution.
Trend 1 – Waiting to the last moment to shop. (This for some unknown reason seems to irritate spouses).
*The best deals are on the 24th. (Frugal McDougal Shopper)
*It’s cosmic – larger than me – you - us. Your gift was selected by forces beyond our control – anything less or more would shred the fabric we know as reality. (Jedi Master Shopper)
*Why do something before you have to – I mean we all die – shopping before I have to – I mean what a waste. What if I die – I could get run over by a bus and would miss the excitement of seeing her face, the money could be used for something else, the gift would be a bad memory, etc (Fateful Freddie Shopper)
*Put off something you dislike till you absolutely have to. You would not go get a root canal before your tooth went bad would you? So why shop till I have to?” (Lester the Logical Shopper)
Solution – Thread Bear makes it easy – open till 2 PM Christmas Eve – slide in – buy that Gift Certificate before the fateful day – painless. Guys – this is a no brainer.
What over slept? – Its Christmas morning! Thread Bear is closed! What am I going to do??!! Relax. We got your back. Log onto threadbearfabrics.com Click on Gift Certificates. Fill out the information. Click print. What, no printer paper – just grab some toilet paper (I’m sure you have some of that) and write the bar code number on on it – Good as gold – You are safe for another year! As for the “unique” wrapping – a possible explanation to your beloved - “I noticed you sneezed the other day and, by packaging your gift this way, I was certain you would always have something soft to wipe you nose with if you needed it.” A Terrific Gift – Personalized Packaging – With Romance – Plus Symbolism – Dude, you are In Like Flynn!
Trend 2 - The In and Out Syndrome. ( It has been shown men as a group shop an average of 26 minutes before making a purchase while there female counterparts spend over 2 hours for the same activity).
*It is a game. We are competitive by nature. Accomplish the task in the shortest time possible. In short – WIN. (Team ME Shopper)
*It is a metaphor for sex. You did not know everything is about sex – yes even shopping!! Kind of makes you wonder, what was he trying to say when he gave you the candy apple red waffle iron last year?! (Quick Claude the Erotic Shopper)
*It is in our genes. Yes one researcher alluded to the fact, we developed “hunter gather societies” in prehistoric times and the males went out and hunted and killed the animal – Wham- bam - thank you m’am – kill it and take it home. The females carefully selected and picked fruits, vegetables, and berries – a painstaking task requiring skill and education so as not to poison the entire group yet at the same time when compared to the meat the animal provided – the gathered food provided 80% of the nutrition. The researchers just extrapolated these activities to present day shopping. By this reasoning, I being male should get 80% more presents than Janet and I plan on telling the cardiologist my love of steak is genetic – nothing I can do about it. (Mr. Natural - Destiny's Shopper)
Solution – Guys – This is quick and easy - Gift Certificates – Smash the 26 minute barrier – Just a few minutes and you are back to the game of the week - after all - its Bowl Month!
Trend 3 – Men do not like a lot of choices, do not like to be uninformed, nor do they like to look for items.
*Alpha male – Genghis Kahn Syndrome. Many say this is just male ego - they want to be perceived as decisive virile conquerors bestowing their benevolence on those of favor.
Ladies - ever watch your guy ordering at Wendy's – “Two baconators no mayo, a large chili with extra onions and a large frosty.” Positively awesome – the authoritarian tone, the decisive demeanor, the stoic countenance – and you just can’t help but notice the confident body language – the vacant stare of contemplation of greater things while avoiding all eye contact – the backward tilt of the head - a subtle indication of superiority - it is amazing the high school girl behind the counter did not just swoon away before he finished the order! Right?!
Solution – Wake up guy you’re dreaming and quit mumbling in your sleep - something about a frosty?! This is not like buying a bra! Just walk in or call us or go online. Tell us the amount - pay for it – done. Don’t you hear the chants of the crowd? “ Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!” Doesn’t matter you have the Green Bay game on – it’s really you they cheering for!
Trend 4 - If you can get men to open their wallets – then they are very loyal. They dwarf women in spending to impress – over 32.5% more! Of course, a lot of women respond “I do not need to spend a lot of $$$ to impress – I am impressive enough”.
*For whatever reason, impressing the female has become important and throwing money at it (gift) seems to be perceived as a way to do this. Herein lies the rub – the unscrupulous business owner can leverage this idea – the engagement ring – “I know you want this to be representative of your feeling toward her” – read that as expensive.
The Christmas gift – “This gift should make her feel warm, thoughtful, reflective – every time she uses it she will think of you.” Never mind we are talking about the deluxe premium model vacuum cleaner with LED headlights and earphone jack. Dude, wake up it’s a vacuum cleaner – and yes it will produce memories once you give it to her – just not necessarily fond memories.
Solution - Now, we at Thread Bear are not going to try to tell you a great gift is super glue to all those cracks in your relationship – after all we are a quilt shop – unqualified to dispense advice on marriage, relationships, and such, but we are sure you are familiar with Chaos Theory - the branch of mathematics that deals with complex systems whose behavior is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequences.
By not purchasing that Christmas Gift Certificate from Thread Bear Fabrics for your significant other, you may be ensuring the destruction of a benevolent and intelligent race of aliens living just past proxima centauri. Dude, you could be endangering the entire universe. Do the right thing – Save reality as we know it – Buy her that Gift Certificate from Thread Bear Fabrics. Besides “Guardian of the Universe” will look real impressive on your resume’.
********************************************************** Ladies, one of the most common complaints is “my guy has terrible taste in gifts!” On what planet is a Bug a Salt 2.0 Gun a good gift ? I can just hear two women talking, "I thought it was a toy? Little did I know, I could now kill flies with table salt??!!” (Yes its real – A number 1 Best Seller on Amazon $42.95).
The guy logic may go something like:
1. My wife hates flies.
2. This is a unique way to kill flies.
3. It’s cheap – uses only table salt.
4. It’s colorful and looks cool.
5. I like it – she will too.
6. Therefore, it is an awesome gift.
7. And by the associative property I am awesome.
Now, unless you are a frog or a bat, most people hate flies. Once you figure out what it is, he will be surprised and delighted when you shoot him with it - for all the wrong reasons.
Ladies, the key to getting what you want, is in the small window of opportunity, when he thinks about what to buy and the actual decision. Being subtle is way overrated. Men are visual creatures – you must make your wants visible. He is going to take credit for the "perfect gift" anyway. May as well get something you really really want.
So since time is short, Thread Bear has come to your aid. Simply print out the following:
I WANT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FROM THREAD BEAR FABRICS!!!
Paste it in a sure to be noticed location. I offer the following possibilities:
1. Past it to the underside of the toilet seat - You know he is going to raise it!!
2. Paste it across his steering wheel.
3.Or for the crafty – Remove the ‘centerfold” from an old Playboy (back when they still were known for their photographic excellence – You didn’t really believe your high school boyfriend when he said “I only have a subscription for the informative and well written articles” Did you?!!) Anyway, tape this over the 2nd of the 3 page foldout and leave anywhere in the house. As a final touch on the side of the new insert write “And So Do I!!”
Until next time, Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas, a Safe and Happy New Year, and a gift which bring a smile to your lips and warmth to your heart.