Before Randy starts his final Christmas advice to guys, I want to take this time to wish everyone a wonderful and safe Christmas holiday. We are blessed to know you and have you as customers and friends. May this season be full of joy and wonder and may everyone be blessed to share the holiday with friends and family.
Merry Christmas, Janet
Hey Guys, It’s the 23rd – time to start your Christmas shopping. While you are out there stalking those great deals, fighting for that last item, hoping for inspiration, and making those amazing rationalizations (This drone with a remote speaker is a great gift! Right?), you may want to consider a few things. Women just don’t think like us. Not that one is better than the other – just real different.
Here are a few shopping tips from another guy.
1. Even though you have saved all year, done the due diligence and research, secured all the financing, and even checked out the expected results – rhinoplasty would not be my first choice as the perfect Christmas gift for your significant other. Trust me, it will go sideways. She is not going to see all the time, effort, money you spent on this. Oh, and that “but now you don’t have to drink from a straw” comment – I would X that too.
2. After 6 hrs of fighting people, traffic, and making little progress, you decide to grab some grub. You know Re-energize! You walk into a room full of people at KFC and see a girl holding a chicken breast and someone shouting “$5.00” Another male voice louder over the din, “No, wait I’ll give you $7.50 and a scratch off for the chicken!”
You wind up at a gas station along with a hundred other guys in search of food. Nothing left on the shelves save some Sushi. Do not go there. No matter how hungry you are - DO NOT BUY THE SUSUSHI! Short duration hunger probably will not kill you. I can’t say the same if you eat that sushi.
3. We live in “politically correct” times. A sign on a bathroom door saying “paperless” may not just mean they only have air hand dryers. This will be of special importance if you did not heed my advice in #2 above.
4. There are no win situations especially when it concerns the other gender. Remember, when your wife says “Do you think these pants make me look fat?” This is a trap! Any answer is the wrong one.
Best to grab your stomach, mumble something like ‘Sorry, must be something I ate” and barricade yourself in the bathroom. Remember to take plenty of reading material. With luck in a few hours her focus will have changed and it will be safe to come out.
Avoid the temptation to intellectualize – “Well you know size is a relative and subjective thing. Your rear is quite small when compared to our washing machine.” Offered as a compliment perceived as an insult – same holds true of gifts.
Don’t buy her a vacuum cleaner even if is metal flake blue and the exhaust is Happy Hawaiian Holiday scented.
5. Elephants have nothing on women when it comes to memory. She might not be able to remember where she put her keys last night, but rest assured 14 years later she will still remember you compared the size of her rear to a washing machine. Gifts should be memorable – not infamous.
6. Wrapping – Don’t know why women don’t like duct tape and used cereal boxes. I mean, really the gift is the same, even if it does have a few Fruit Loots stuck to it. It has been my experience women seem to like the beauty and mystique of nicely wrapped packages. Even though they are going to rip off the paper with reckless abandon – your wrapping technique is going to be critiqued and criticized.
If your significant other is a quilter, the pattern should line up at the seams and those mitered corners need to be sharp and even.
7. Money – We are guys! We like money as a gift - not saying women don’t, but they sometimes liken it to value. “So, you think I am only worth this much!” Gifts ideally bring joy and thoughtfulness – the “call girl” feeling is not always pleasurable.
8. Cost – Every guy wants as as much bang for his buck as he can get, but here is that value thing – if I buy her this diamond necklace I could unknowingly put her life at risk. She could be car-jacked. No thug is going to pass up a diamond. By not getting her anything I am showing her I care and value her.
One of the daughters terms this “fuzzy logic” and believes all men suffer from this. Curse or blessing, the wife is not going to follow your reasoning. She wants something tangible to open.
9. Make it or buy it – Well dude unless you are a master craftsman and have been diligently working in secret on her buffet for the past year – then beginning it on the 23 of December is probably not the best option.
Now, you could cut up an old flea market painting into bookmarks or maybe try you hand at verse –
All the fireplace logs were ablaze
As poor Santa emerged from the haze.
With his whiskers aflame,
He was sorry he came,
And he sighed, "It's just been one of those days!"
Yeah – Just ain’t felling it. Less face you probably should not quit your day job in order to write.
10. Take Backs – For some odd reason, some of the fairer sex have inhibitions about returning stuff. With guys, its all about getting something you want. Women seem to somehow attached a weird extemporaneous life to the act –
“it’s a size 5, but I need a 12, but I don’t want to take it back because I like it and who knows if I lose a few pounds I might could wear it.”
Or, “It looks sow pretty in my sweater drawer”
And then the one she tells her friends “ I just can’t return it – it would hurt his feelings.”
And of course the practical, “ Sarah’s birthday is in January, I can give it to her”.
Give her something she is not going to want to take back or regift.
God must have inspired someone to invent the perfect gift for women bought by men – THE GIFT CERTIFICATE!!!
*Thoughtful (you knew what she liked)
*Stylish (decorative stationary)
* Easy to Wrap (Man - check out the mitered corners on that envelope!) *No Choices for you - No sizes or colors to Try to find
*Convenient – order on line – print out – lick the envelope – you’re done – go back to the game
*Paperless – Don’t feel like licking the envelope (a tongue paper cut would be bad for Christmas Dinner) go paperless and just email it to her *No Return Anxiety
*Value – With our IRS Sale she will get 20% more out of that Gift Certificate if she uses it by 12/31/2017
*Safe – no traffic, no people, no bad food, and best of all no sweat!