OK Guys - Time to Shop

Greetings Quilters, 

All of us at Thread Bear would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a safe Happy prosperous New Year.

We would also like to say "thank you" for your patronage because without you there would be no Thread Bear. So as a last minute gift (remember I'm a guy) all our bolted Christmas Fabrics are 40% Enjoy!   Goes on till Epiphany Sunday (1/6/2020). Use code ELF on line.

Janet has worked really hard a creating a "Christmas" category. Below is a link to the new Christmas category.

Christmas Fabrics

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Ok this is section is mainly for the guys. 

The Christmas Shopping Season for us is about to start. The 23rd is only days away. Here are a few helpful Christmas Shopping Tips I have garnered over the years: 

1. Remember the old joke - 

A guy finds a lamp. Rubs it. A genie appears to grant a single wish.

Guy - " I want a highway to Hawaii. I want to be able to drive to Hawaii."

Genie -" You're nuts!" The expense, the material, all that work - No that is just too hard! Pick something else."

Guy - "Well ok. Then I want to have a complete understanding of women - their wants, needs, expectations..."

Genie - " You want two lanes or four."

Accept, you are never going to understand. It's not that your grasp of reality is any better or worse than hers - just different.

2.After 6 hrs of fighting people, traffic, and making little progress, you decide to grab some grub. You know Re-energize! You walk into a room full of people at KFC and see a girl holding a chicken breast and someone shouting “$5.00” Another male voice louder over the din, “No, wait I’ll give you $7.50 and a scratch off for the chicken!” 

You wind up at a gas station along with a hundred other guys in search of food.  Nothing left on the shelves save some Sushi.   Do not go there. No matter how hungry you are - DO NOT BUY THE SUSHI! Short duration hunger probably will not kill you.  I can’t say the same if you eat that sushi.  

3.We live in “politically correct” times.  A sign on a bathroom door saying “paperless” may not just mean they only have air hand dryers.  This will be of special importance if you did not heed my advice in #2 above.    

4. Guys, remember The Kobayashi Maru from Star Trek? Well, there are no win situations especially when it concerns the other gender. Remember, when your wife says “Do you think these pants make me look fat?”  This is a trap! Any answer is the wrong one!   

Best to grab your stomach, mumble something like ‘Sorry, must be something I ate” and barricade yourself in the bathroom.  Remember to take plenty of reading material.  With luck in a few hours her focus will have changed and it will be safe to come out.  

Avoid the temptation to intellectualize – “Well you know size is a relative and subjective thing.  Your rear is quite small when compared to our washing machine.”   Offered as a compliment perceived as an insult – same holds true of gifts. 

So, don’t buy her a vacuum cleaner even if it is metal flake blue and the exhaust is Happy Hawaiian Holiday scented.  Women talk just like us - just not in the same language.

After Christmas Joan is going to ask Jen "What did Bob get you for Christmas? 

The response, "Oh a nice vacuum cleaner. It really sucks!" 

Dude, trust me, she is not making a favorable comment on the 13.5 amp motor!

5. Money – We are guys!  We like money as a gift - not saying women don’t, but they sometimes liken it to value.
   “So, you think I am only worth this much!”   

Gifts ideally bring joy and thoughtfulness – the “call girl” feeling is not always pleasurable.  

6. I can make it – Well dude unless you are a master craftsman and have been diligently working in secret on her buffet for the past year – then beginning the project on the 23 of December is probably not the best option. 

Now, you could cut up an old flea market painting into bookmarks or maybe try you hand at verse –  

All the fireplace logs were ablaze

As poor Santa emerged from the haze.

With his whiskers aflame,

He was sorry he came,

And he sighed, "It's just been one of those days!"  

Yeah – Just ain’t felling it. Less face you probably should not quit your day job in order to write and as a gift - well - dude, it's words.  

7.Cost – Every guy wants as as much bang for his buck as he can get, but here is that value thing – if I buy her this diamond necklace I could unknowingly put her life at risk.  She could be car-jacked.  No thug is going to pass up a diamond.  By not getting her anything I am showing her I care and value her.  

One of the daughters terms this “fuzzy logic” and believes all men suffer from this.  Curse or blessing, the wife is not going to follow your reasoning.   She wants something tangible to open.   

8.Wrapping – Don’t know why women don’t like duct tape and used cereal boxes.  I mean, really the gift is the same, even if it does have a few Fruit Loots stuck to it. It has been my experience women seem to  like the beauty and mystique of nicely wrapped packages.  Even though they are going to rip off the paper with reckless abandon – your wrapping technique is going to be critiqued and criticized.

If your significant other is a quilter, the pattern should line up at the seams and those mitered corners need to be sharp and even.  

Now, while it true the blue and yellow lines at the top of the plastic food bag when pushed together will make green - and even though green is a "Christmas color" - chances are she will not think it is "Festive" nor in harmony with the season. The bag may hold water but trying to pawn this off as gift wrap will not.

8. Unscrupulous commission sales people - They probably don't want to be there, they see you coming, and most could sell Custer arrows.  

"Lipstick for a stocking stuffer- great idea! And the fact that the color is glow in dark efflorescent alien navel lint green will make her stand out in a crowd. And what a deal! By buying our sample it is sooo much cheaper than regular price and you can see how popular it is because there is only half a tube left." 

Dude, it does not matter - they only sell one color to guys  - THE WRONG ONE.

9. Medical procedures / self improvement - think nose jobs, tummy tucks, face lifts, ect. 

 Even though you have saved all year, done the due diligence and research, secured all the financing, and even checked out the expected results – rhinoplasty (nose job) would not be my first choice as the perfect Christmas gift for your significant other.   Trust me, it will go sideways.  She is not going to see all the time, effort, money you spent on this.  Oh, and that “but now you don’t have to drink from a straw” comment – I would XXX that too.  

10. Gifts that keep on giving - Elephants have nothing on women when it comes to memory. She might not be able to remember where she put her keys last night, but rest assured 14 years later she will still remember you compared the size of her rear to a washing machine or thought her nose was like Pinocchio's.   Gifts should be memorable – not infamous.  

11. Take Backs – For some odd reason, some of the fairer sex have inhibitions about returning stuff. With guys, its all about getting something you want.  Women seem to somehow attached a weird extemporaneous life to the act –

“it’s a size 5, but I need a 12, but I don’t want to take it back because I like it and who knows if I lose a few pounds I might could wear it.”  

Or, “It looks soooo pretty in my sweater drawer”  

And then the one she tells her friends “ I just can’t return it – it would hurt his feelings.”  

And of course the practical, “ Sarah’s birthday is in January, I can give it to her”.        

Guys, give her something she is not going to want to take back or regift.

Perplexed? Confused? Wouldn't you rather spend your Christmas shopping time buying Cheetos and beer for Bowl Week?

The Bear has your back! 

**************************************************************************** Rejoice guys! God must have inspired someone to invent the perfect gift for women bought by men – THE GIFT CERTIFICATE!!!   *Thoughtful (you knew what she liked)   *Stylish (decorative stationary)   *Easy to Wrap (Man - check out the mitered corners on that envelope!)   *No Complicated Choices for you - No sizes or colors to try to find  *Convenient – order on line – print out – lick the envelope – you’re done – go back to the game   *Paperless – Don’t feel like licking the envelope (a tongue paper cut would be bad for Christmas Dinner) go paperless and just email it to her      *No Return Anxiety   *Value – With many Thread Bear Sales through out the year  - get even more out of that Gift Certificate.  *Safe – no traffic, no people, no bad food, and best of all no sweat!   *Language * Tina and Janet speak fluent  "fabric" and with over 25,000 fabrics to select from - your significant other may be gone for a week - could be a great Bowl Week!   *Stores closed?  The web is open 24/7... *******************************************   How do I Get One?  Easy peasy!     1. Go to Thread Bear Fabrics 2. Click on “Shop Online” located on blue bar on far left and the first item will be "Gifts Certificates".    3. Click on drop down and select the amount.   4. Click  “Add to Cart”   5. Click “Proceed to Check Out” 6. Pay and print or email All done and she doesn't need to know that you did not plan this months ahead! One final piece of advice - I don't think I would mention that you passed on a new car or diamond necklace for a gift certificate.  Just accept the thank you with a grin. ****************************************************** For the Ladies  Over the years much has been written on understanding shopping habits – especially male shopping habits. Although, purportedly "scientific studies” are numerous, and while some are quite adapt at identifying trends; but as to explaining “why?”, I fear most are little more than fiction. Statistics can be a two edge sword. For example, one study indicated males spent an average of 26 minutes shopping for a Christmas Gift while females took over 2 hours for the same task. As far as money, studies indicate if you can get men to open their wallets - then they are very loyal - spending a 32.5% more than women on a gift! But here is the RUB - how to get him to buy me something - I really want? Well ladies, science and The Bear is here for you.  Ladies, the key to getting what you want, is in the small window of opportunity, when he thinks about what to buy and the actual decision.  Being subtle is way overrated. Men are visual creatures – you must make your wants visible. He is going to take credit for the "perfect gift" anyway. May as well get something you really really want.  So since time is short, Thread Bear has come to your aid.  Simply print out the following:       ********************************       I WANT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FROM THREAD BEAR FABRICS!!!   ******************************** Paste it in a sure to be noticed location.  I offer the following possibilities:   1. Past it to the underside of the toilet seat - You know he is going to raise it!!   2. Paste it across his steering wheel.      Now, you must realize even with all the "guidance" you provide - the message may just not get through You might end up with a pink cameo "Bug A Salt" Gun. On what planet is a Bug a Salt 2.0 Gun a good gift ? I can just hear two women talking, "I thought it was a toy? Little did I know, I could now kill flies with table salt??!!”   (Yes its real – A Best Seller on Amazon and yes it comes in pink - all med think women like pink- don't be surprised if you get the laser sight as a stocking stuffer).     The guy logic may go something like:   1. My wife hates flies.   2. This is a unique way to kill flies.   3. It’s cheap – uses only table salt.   4. It’s pink cameo and looks cool.   5. I like it – she will too.   6. Therefore, it is an awesome gift.     7. And by the associative property I am also awesome. Now, unless you are a frog or a bat, most people hate flies. Once you figure out what it is, he will be surprised and delighted when you shoot him with it   - for all the wrong reasons.  ************************************************************* Until next time, Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas, a Safe and Happy New Year, and a gift which bring a smile to your lips and warmth to your heart.     Merry Christmas! Janet + Randy