Ok guys, it is that time of year again. The “holiday’ of extortion is almost upon us. Yep – that one –“Valentine's Day”. You can continue to pay tribute to the cabal (big flower, big candy, big gift), or you can rebel. No, I do not mean get her nothing - just something that will not die, give her diabetes, nor require a second mortgage.
Apparently, the day had possibilities. Then they just ruined it.
The lover's holiday has its beginnings in the 4th century B.C. in Rome. The Romans held an annual lottery wherein young men would draw a young woman's name from a box. The couple would be assigned to each other the entire year for entertainment and pleasure. This celebration, traditionally held on February 15, also included banquets, dancing and foot races run in the nude.
Around A.D. 496, early church fathers sought an end to the pagan practice, but knew better than to upset the citizens by removing the lottery completely.
Instead, they had teenagers pull the names of saints from the box. The teen was supposed to spend the year emulating that saint's life as much as possible. Now, I don't know about you but naked marathons sound like a lot more fun. St. Valentine was chosen as the patron saint of the new event, and young Roman men resorted to courting females by sending handwritten notes delivered on February 14. I'm for back to basics. Maybe instead of saying Happy Valentine's Day we should embrace the old custom and just say LET'S GET NAKED!
In more modern times the day has evolved into legalized and expected extortion with everyone profiting immensely, save for the poor sap that has a wife or girlfriend.
I am not really sure where Cupid falls into this, but I can attest he has not evolved. The guy is blind! Maybe he is diabetic - I mean he is sorta fat. He is just shooting arrows everywhere. Forget about all the ex girlfriends, and busted relationships. What about the really strange stuff you can't otherwise explain. Like chocolate syrup on fried fish, bananas and steak ( this is really quiet good - well at least the steak is!) garlic and chocolate, blood and ice cream - the list is endless. No, I haven't tried all of these - I just know people who "LOVE" these combinations.
I know Cupid is over 40. I got my first glasses at 40. I am sure they would improve his aim.
Back to the Present.
So guys, just a few pointers here – and no – just don’t ask how I know.
1. Cost – Roses cost 10 times what they do any other time during the year. Well, you could visit the graveyard. After all, these people will not be smelling them anymore. Right?
The selection is limited – most are artificial – think plastic. Not too many women like plastic flowers.
Besides, I would venture to say most HR people will probably tell you Grave Robbing and Grave Desecration are not attributes most employers are going to value.
Now, you could dig up Mrs. Smith’s (your neighbor) heirloom Mr. Lincoln rose bush. Alas, there is still that technicality – it is against the law. Theft by taking, trespassing, and property damage – I doubt even Judge Judy will entertain “I did it for love” defense. And the really bad thing – you don’t even get to keep the roses!
2. Flowers are going to die. From a guy’s perspective this is a bad investment. Now, years ago, I tried to broker a deal with virtual flowers and essential oils. You know a GIF on her computer screen of blooming flowers which triggered a blast of essential oil from a USB connected atomizer. I am sure it was so revolutionary – hey it lasted as long as the computer did - Big Flower and Big Candy just squashed it.
You could buy her a live plant or a dog – they all theoretically live longer than cut flowers, but she may blame you for giving her something she has to look after.
And then of course, there is still that dying thing. The dog may live to be 20 and she may love it to death, (pardon the pun), but someway, somehow the sorrow and pain she feels at the dog's passing is your fault. After all, if you had not given the dog to her, well she would not be feeling this sadness.
Candy (Chocolate) –
1. Those heart shaped boxes cost a lot for the amount of chocolate you get. Plus you never get very many of the good pieces. Now, you could just give her last years Halloween candy. After all, last November you only paid 15 cents for 50 marshmallow skulls.
Something about hearts – women like hearts.
2. It is not logical – just true. For every ounce she gains – she will blame you. God forbid she should be diagnosed with diabetes – your Valentine Candy was definitely the cause. She might even accuse you of trying to poison her with “sugar” for a slow agonizing death.
3. Yes, you could buy her "sugarless" chocolates, but you best read the label. Most "sugarless" chocolates contain soribtol or manitol - read laxative here.
"Bet you can't eat just one" really does apply here. Spending the night on the toilet - well - probably not her idea of a romantic evening. Guess who is going to catch the blame for this one - YOU.
Maybe you should just skip the candy this year.
Fancy Dinner -
Well most upscale restaurants have "special holiday pricing". Read that as EXPENSIVE! I mean chicken is chicken. Right? Why does it cost 30% more on February 14th? Oh, maybe its that heart shaped paper napkin ring or possibly the red candle on the table!
Since one of the daughters spent some time as a server - and yes I have great respect for all that work in service industries, but it is no different than any other job - people like to have fun. Best be careful eating out on Valentine's Day. Say, your server does not feel the tip you left was equitable.
That special Valentines Day Dessert - that you did not know about or order - may contain a plastic engagement ring. Definitely embarrassing if it is you girlfriend, mistress, etc. But if it is you wife, then the plastic ring is just going to confirm what she already knows - YOU ARE CHEAP!
Sex - Really?! You can't actually believe that! Right?
Now I know Tim Patterson, when he invented DOS told everybody it stood for Dirty Operating System. I have another idea. Maybe he was just was as aggravated as the rest of us with Valentine's Day and wanted to rename it Day Of Sex - hence - DOS.
The best you can hope for - Tell your wife -
"I have already set this up. For Valentine's Day we will go out for a romantic dinner and partake of a hot love triangle".
You will probable get something like,
"I will go to dinner but I am not doing anything freaky."
Take her to Ci Ci's. Its dinner. Its affordable. You love pizza. Its hot. It is served in triangles. Enjoy! It is as close as you will ever get to a threesome!
Big Gift –
Dude, you need to realize what we as guys think is a great wonderful gift is not even in the same ballpark as what women value. It is a waste of time trying to understand them.
She may feel sad because a 5th grader has 8 more valentines than her. Who knows?
Or her thought process - " But it is so romantic to get a Valentine with no stamp - no name - just pushed under your door."
Don't know about you, but if I am in prison, the last thing I want pushed under my cell door is an anonymous Valentine's Day card!
Sometimes I wonder if Divorce Lawyers mail out scented Valentine Day cards on February 14th just to drum up business!
Horror story here - Feb 13 couple laying in bed about to go to sleep.
Man: "Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. What do you want to do?"
Woman: "I wish I was still six"
Next day man arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered
out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy -
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her. She collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his significant other with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"Idiot! I was talking about my dress size!"
Guys, feel like you can't win for losing?! Feel like everyone sees you coming?!
Perplexed? What to do? All the traditional things have risks and limitations. How can something go sooo sideways? Being a guy can really be tough at times, but fear not. There is a solution.
Now, I can not prove this, but I believe God inspired some poor sap – had to be a guy - in just this predicament to invent the perfect gift - THE GIFT CERTIFICATE.
If she likes fabric – and I know she does - or you would not be reading this – we have a great selection of just about any kind of print she wants.
Our flowers never die and our hearts are always fresh and colorful. And although our fabrics do not carry the American Heart Association or the American Diabetes Association Seal, I have yet to know of any of our candy prints causing anyone to gain an ounce or having an A1C over 7.
The best thing is you will not have to take out a 2nd mortgage to get her that special gift.
With a Gift Certificate from Thread Bear Fabrics, she is free to make her own choices – to get something she really wants.
No more faux, “Oh how nice”.
Instead you will get a genuine “Oh, I like this!”
Come into the shop (515 Sawnee Corners Blvd, Cumming, GA), call us on the phone (770-781-0001), or visit us online (threadbearfabrics.com). Any of these will score you a Great Valentine’s Day Present - a Thread Bear Fabrics Gift Certificate.
Oh, by the way, you are probably still going to have to "spring" for dinner - I mean everybody still has to eat, right?
I hear this year, Waffle House is pulling out the all the stops for Valentine's Day - white table cloths, flowers, and reservations.
Now, "ya just gotta" admit, there is just something "romantic" about a pecan waffle and bacon! I mean, really! Who doesn't "LOVE" bacon?
Since it is Valentine's Day, just of sage advice in the "love and marriage" department:
When your husband and / or significant other is giving you "constructive criticism" like
"YOU SHOULD REALLY LEARN TO EMBRACE YOUR MISTAKES"
Just hug him!
Janet + Randy